You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Gay?
German.
Pity.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
