Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
