sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
