Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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