so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I need a hoe opinion
go on
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
