i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
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