My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
