I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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