Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
