I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
