Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
