Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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