A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
