Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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