be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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