He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize