I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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