She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
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