So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Randomize
