I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
