Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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