just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
