The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
