just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
