Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
