i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
