i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Randomize
