hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
My vagina is officially offended.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Randomize
