Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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