he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
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