Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
