No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
