At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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