The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
