Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Dicks are not precious.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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