New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
