if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
