So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
