I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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