the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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