she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
