We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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