Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
