so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito