I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
