I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
