My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
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