What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
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