have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
