Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
