my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I'm gonna fight the coyote
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
