Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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