Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
