Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
