So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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