my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
