Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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