pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
