Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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